Homestead forum diaspora

I have a customer at the store who is a single mom. She and I were talking recently about how she thinks single parenting is awesome. I was telling her that my sister thinks I should find a "baby daddy" and just get myself knocked up. Pick a guy, get myself pregnant, and peace out, basically. First off, let me say that I am NOT baby hungry. I do realize that my time for becoming a parent is shrinking. But that doesn't mean I necessarily WANT to be a mom at this point. I just consciously recognize the clock is ticking. Anyway, so I was talking to this customer, whose son's father has never wanted to be in the picture, and therefore has never been, and she agreed with my sister. She said that I should go for it if I wanted a kid, because single parenting was awesome. She got to raise her son exactly the way she wanted to, and never have to fight with someone over how he was to be disciplined, or have to rely on someone else to make the right choices where he is concerned. She could do everything her way, and know it was being done good and right, and know she was always choosing in the best interest of her child. She said sometimes things were hard, and it would be nice to have a break, but for the most part, because of her parenting choices, her son was turning into a really great person, and if she could go back, she would choose to do it the same way she did.

I have a few problems with this idea.

1. Do you TELL the guy you're going to sleep with that you want to get pregnant? It feels wrong not to give him a choice as to whether he wants a child out there in the world, whether or not you want him to help parent it. It seems wrong to plan such a thing and not tell him.

2. If you do get pregnant, do you tell the dude? Some guys would be glad you never told them. Some guys would be overjoyed at the chance to be a dad. If you didn't want to deal with the dad, the second kind of guy would really suck. But I feel like it would be kind of wrong if you got pregnant on purpose, told the guy, and then he felt awful because he never wanted a kid, but now that he HAS one, he doesn't have it in him to just walk away, so that he always feels like you burdened him with a child. (Which brings me back to - should you even tell him?)

3. How could you choose someone random? What if they're a shitty human being?? It seems to me like I would want to choose men I found attractive, who had good hearts, and were good people. I mean, who knows how much of personality is genetic? I'd want to give my kid the best chance, ya know? But a good-hearted man isn't the kind of man who is going to be like, "Oh, you want a kid? Sure, I'll get you pregnant and walk away." A good-hearted man is ALSO not the kind of man to want to start a family with someone he doesn't want to spend his life with either. So basically - there is no way to get the imaginary good-hearted man to ever buy into something that crazy! You'd have to trick him into impregnating you, and then walk out of his life forever, so he never knew he had a kid.

The whole thing makes my brain hurt!! Obviously something like that is just impossible. It seems like the only way to start off single parenting is to be with someone that you think you want a relationship with, and the relationship falls apart either when he finds out you're pregnant and doesn't want a child, or after years of a relationship, when your relationship falls apart. There is truly no sane, rational way to go out there and get yourself pregnant if you care about A) Being fair to the man, or B) Knowing anything real about the person you've chosen (ie. he'd have to be a stranger). 

Neither of those options sits well with me.

It boggles my mind that there are ACTUALLY women out there who can go through with something like that.

And also, I just feel like kids deserve a dad... or a second parent of some sort. I feel like purposely shorting them on a parent is wrong. Which is not to say that I feel like parents separating when they have children is evil or whatever. I'm saying that purposely creating a child just for myself just is not something that sits well with me. It feels selfish.

I do feel differently about fostering a child. So many kids right now need homes. Most of those kids would die for the love of ONE parent. They would take the love of one over the love of none every day of the week. So many kids live their entire lives in state care, and then graduate out of the system, never having been adopted, or loved, and just end up completely lost in life. For kids in the system, I think stepping to the plate and offering yourself as a parent is a totally different story.

Oh, is it 1:30 in the morning? Yop, I'm babbling.

I was never  "baby hungry" either, in fact it felt like I spent most of my life trying NOT to get pregnant!    I was quite surprised to find myself pregnant at 41 ... and it took quite a while for me to get used to the idea.   As it turns out, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me.  There's no way I would have imagined that before hand.  Still,  would I knowingly become a single parent?  It's tough,  even with 2 parents and one kid!     I agree with the foster thing,  I've read some horrifying accounts of being a kid in the foster system....  although you've got to be pretty "street smart" in some cases.   Which you probably are, Angela !   I think it's good you're exploring those ideas.  Have you looked into fostering?

I don't want to be a mother and give up my freedom enough at this point to foster. I have definitely looked into it though, just out of curiosity. If you take on a couple kids, what the state pays you here will be enough to pay your bills and put money in savings. One of the counselors I used to work with worked for the state before he came to the treatment center, and he said they liked people who were in it for both the kids AND the money, because people who just came for the kids got burned out fast and never came back, and people who just wanted the money never really helped the kids... The people who stayed in foster the longest and seemed to make the biggest difference were the people who wanted to make a difference, but also wanted the money. I think making a living being a parent and mentor sounds pretty cool. But am I willing to give up my freedoms now for that? No way. I also don't plan on being in this state much longer, so it would be pointless to even try. Especially with moving into an RV. *lol*

I think if I get to the point where I'm kid-hungry in my life, or just feel like I'm ready to settle down and focus my energy on something like that, I would probably do it by way of the foster system. I don't have money to adopt some 6-figure baby, and I just can't imagine getting pregnant on purpose from someone I'm not in a serious relationship with to ever have a positive outcome.

george at January 10, 2014 at 10:32 PM

I am often curious why the courts are set up to award child support to the woman, even if she gets the house, primary custody, and much of what has been saved over time...and then, when the man takes the child(ren) for say three months at a time, he still has to pay child support, even though the woman may be making as much or more than he is...I never did get it...period.

I wonder how much fuss the men kick up.

Women are told they can't do a lot of things and shouldn't do a lot of others. They therefor believe they can't or shouldn't want to.

But the same holds true for men.

Parenting being one of the big ones. It is not socially acceptable for men to whan children or enjoy having them around. Men "cannot succesfully raise a child", they need the mother to be the childs teacher. Women, on the other hand, are said to be "natural care givers" and "excellent teachers of small children"

If a man wants a cose relationsip with children (ie parenting) he is suspected as having something wrong with him. But the man is ALWAYS suposed to support the children he fathered, therefor, it doesnt matter how much income the mother has, the father is allways responsable for financially supporting his children. Also, since the mother has the children, she needs the house and savings.

Don't know much about parental choice,had a bun in the oven soon after meeting Vic.(She's a wicked woman and despoiled my innnocence)

The laws in this country are slow to change plus we are up against those who are determined to turn the clock back.  Occasionally I been pleased to witness judges who see the whole picture and award the children to the parent best able to care for them.  More and more, the wife's income is being taken into consideration. 

My father didn't see why his daughter shouldn't be taught to do woodworking, yard work, work on the car, etc.  I truly am greatful for the skills he taught me.  He and I both passed those skills down to my sons.  Right now, I have 1/2 of my downstairs torn apart.  I'm redoing it.  The baseboards are gone, the floor coverings are 1/2 gone and the bathroom sink is on it's way out the door.  I consider this a small re-do.  People come in and are horrified.  A woman is tearing apart a house and they are waiting for it to fall down.  I guess they think baseboards hold the walls up.  If a man had done all this, they would tell him what a great guy he is, how smart he is.  He has two things I don't have - upper body strength and his marvelous toy.  I sure could use the upper body strength! 

I wish we could share pics more easily on here. I would like to see your project.

Agreed. Importing from Photobucket takes work.

Glad ya found us

And where are you now, Katie ?

sounds like a good deal!  Anything getting in the way of taking it?

PS  We changed boards yet again.... ya gotta keep up around here.

Anyone heard from Lynx ?  Hope she can find us, are there still links on the old site?

Rob at January 13, 2014 at 12:52 PM

I wish we could share pics more easily on here. I would like to see your project.

As soon as I learn how to use:  my camera, my printer that I think I send my camera through?, and the new web site.  Oh, wait a minute.  There's that cable that came with my camera.  Damn!  Now to convince Win8 that my camera isn't its worst enemy.  Goddess bless all the computer geeks in India.  I can understand their particular brand of accent now.  They suggested I not upload ANYTHING without them helping me.  This was after I completely locked down my new computer the second time. 

I'm not quite as dumb as I sometimes appear!

zinnia at January 14, 2014 at 9:51 PM

sounds like a good deal!  Anything getting in the way of taking it?

PS  We changed boards yet again.... ya gotta keep up around here.

Anyone heard from Lynx ?  Hope she can find us, are there still links on the old site?

zinnia at January 14, 2014 at 9:51 PM

sounds like a good deal!  Anything getting in the way of taking it?

PS  We changed boards yet again.... ya gotta keep up around here.

Anyone heard from Lynx ?  Hope she can find us, are there still links on the old site?

A drop in wage and a drop in rent cost with the ability to walk to stores. Do the savings meet or exceed the drop in wages?