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Anyone who works closely with me knows I cuss. And that if you really don't want my opinion, don't ask for it. What is entertaining, as you say Magi is when a male cusses (or almost cusses), then says "pardon my <whatever>". I tell them you'd be hard pressed to offend me, aka cuss word. And if you did manage to offend me, expect me to respond. Prolly won't be what you want to hear however....

We need to get new profanities, and we need them now.

Having taken a brief but fucking awesome correspondence course in Effective Obscenity, I have discovered three tenets that all great swear words hew to:

They must be offensive. Sounds dumb, but you’d be surprised. Anything that anyone is already saying isn’t good enough. Second-stringers like “fart” and “scrotal sac” don’t cut it.

They must be actual things. Science fiction writers love putting dorky words in the mouths of protagonists – things like “Flarn!” or “Tanj!” or “Skiddlyboo!” – in a futile attempt to give clean-cut stories some foul mouthed action.

It never works.

Because all the truly great swear words have been nouns – not necessarily a person or place, but always a thing. And generally a slimy and disgusting thing at that. After all, the classic Seven Words have all been things that revulsed people. How about a good solid Fuck?* Or a finger up your Asshole? Shit, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker…. all of these things are considered disgusting by a large section of the populace at large – and the revulsion lends strength to the word. We need to find the world’s new indecencies, the sore spots that people are afraid to look at, and turn them into weapons.

(Incidentally, I personally like cunts a whole lot… but I bet whoever found that part of the anatomy loathesome was one hell of a cocksucker.)

And most importantly, it must sound good in the mouths of the Irish. The Irish are the Kings of cursing, and we must give them their due. You can make up any profanity you feel like – but it isn’t a curse until it’s been twisted around a pair of Irish lips, sneered out over a green countryside at some right ghastly sod. “Ye fackin’ arsehole,” they’ll say, and you feel well and good when they say it. Other nations may swear, but only the Irish really mean it.

As such, if any our candidates would sound Gaelically awkward, then we must – must! – throw it out. To do less would be criminally negligent.

As such, I am currently holding a contest, running for the next three months: Vote for your favorite new swear, choosing one from the candidates below. Email me and tell me which of these you think is the best new profanity – or better yet, submit your own!

In case someone submits something better than these – and I hope you will – I will collect all email addresses and do a new survey at the end of June. But take a look at the ones below for guidelines and feedback.

So what are are the candidates, Alex? Glad you asked. Listed in reverse order, ranked on a one to ten scale:

“Klan!”

Offensiveness: 2.

Syllables: 1.

Irish Quotient: 4

One of my first attempts and yet still a total failure, the Klan is just too much of a joke nowadays to be effective. Which is a real shame, since phonically they have everything you’re looking for in a soul-satisfying exclamation: One syllable, a nice plosive “K” at the front, and you can shout it real loud and sound like Kirk in Star Trek II. (“Klaaaaaaaaaaaan!“)

Sadly, the KKK has lost their association with midnight hangings, black terrorism, and racism, and gained an image as a bunch of startled-looking doofs on the Jerry Springer Show. Shouting “Klan!” would just make people wonder what the heck you were talking about – and worst of all, the Irish could never get it right. “Klen!” “What? Who’s clean, Seamus?”

“Molestation!”

Offensiveness: 4.

Syllables: 4

Irish Quotient: 1.

Almost the reverse of “Klan”, this is a perfect concept for a profanity and a piss-poor word. It’s distinct enough that everyone around you would instantly hear it, the image of ol’ grampaw fingering Ellie May out behind the shed still causes mindless fury in America – even Death Row prisoners hate molesters, for God’s sake – and women would definitely shield their children’s ears.

But it’s a mushy word. Saying it is like chewing a mouthful of wet mashed potatoes; when you get to the end, there’s no satisfaction to be had. Without a hard consonant or two, “molestation” is doomed. Besides, there are only two other heavy-hitting vulgarities with four syllables, and “motherfucker” and “cocksucker” are laden with nice fat “K” sounds to catch your tongue on – and unless we go the Popeye route and change it to “Moleskation”, we’re doomed.

The final blow comes from the Irish: Lord knows I’ve tried to hear an Irishman saying “molestation”, but it’s just not audible. They’d have to pronounce it with an American accent – and at that point we’ve lost the war.

Incidentally, “Jon-Benet” sounds terrific, but I doubt whether people would get it. Let’s just move on.

“Rapist!”

Offensiveness: 7.

Syllables: 2.

Irish Quotient: 4.

A definite attention-getter, this one has the real advantage that people might actually think you’re calling for help. Especially if you’re a woman, you can expect to see helpful bystanders break out running to help you… and then turn into white-hot anger when they realize you’re just bitching about losing the good parking space.

The word is also just a pleasant-sounding word. While it doesn’t have the popping tongueish impact of a clean “fuck!”, it shares a sibilant “S” with that other crowd-pleaser, “Jesus.” I can hear people muttering it under their breath now: “Jesus – what a goddamn rapist!”

But once again, the Irish kills this one. They’d be calling someone a “reppist”, which sounds like a condiment you put on beefsteak. And so it’s a middle-of-the-road candidate.

“Holocaust!”

Offensiveness: 8.

Syllables: 3

Irish Quotient: 7.

A definite Nagasaki of a word if used in the wrong place, the death of six million Jews is just not something people can fuck around with. So, naturally, it’s something we want to use.

The word itself is a great swear, if a bit-syllable-heavy: “Holocaust!“. The “holo” part is a little wussy, as if you were asking a waitress for a plate of challah bread… but the “caust” comes out like a shotgun blast. Which actually takes care of the three-syllable problem. All of the classics are one explosive sound, and eventually people will truncate it, trimming the first two parts down to a happy “‘Caust!”

Not to mention that the word itself is unmistakable. Drop it in your local bank, and Jews will take swings at you. And it lends itself to other Perry-White-style exclamations: “Great Flaming Jews, Kent! You mean Luthor’s robbed the bank?”

As for the Irish, they’ll sneer it with pride. “HawlecUST!” they’ll say, spitting it at you like a gob of phelgm. Yes, I’d say that “Holocaust” is a winner, except there’s one other contender we haven’t looked at… but do we want to?

“Abortion!”

Offensiveness: 10.

Syllables: 3 (or 2)

Irish Quotient: 10.

People will fight for the right to have them or keep them, but nobody wants a slickly mangled fetus sitting in their living room. Who wants to look at the baby before it’s out of the box? No one, that’s who.

It’s unmistakable as a word. And of all of the decent words we’ve looked at, it’s the shortest: I mean, sure, technically it’s three syllables… but when you’re angry, would you waste time pronouncing that preliminary “A”? You’ll just strike out: ” ‘Bortion!”

It sounds good. Go ahead. Shout it out and feel proud. Don’t worry about your neighbors, they’ll understand the good work you’re trying to do.

Satisfying, huh? Now that’s a curse.

It has the advantage of offending both pro-lifers and pro-choice mongoloids – they’re both so relentlessly paranoid that they automatically assume anyone who brings it up is has to be on the opposite side. Shout it out in a crowded room and everyone will turn their heads to see who said it, then quickly loathe you when they realize you’re cursing it… which is what you want, isn’t it?

It also leads on to great other words for swearing fits: “You ‘bortion-sucking fetus-ridden motherfucking brainscoop! Ya D&C-giving baaaaaastard!”

As for the Irish? There is no better word. It’s plastic enough that they can toy with it, stretch it like silly putty laced with scorn. “Ye fackin’ BAW-shun,” they’ll say, and grin like a mudshark when they do.

So until the official vote comes in, for now I suggest saying “Abortion!” whenever you drop something on your toe or when someone cuts you off in traffic. It might seem unrelated and somewhat silly to shout out a surgical procedure at first… but think about it. You’re a pioneer, my friend. Do you think the first person to yell “Shit!” wasn’t worried about bringing up feces for no apparent reason?

The lesson: Swearing has nothing to do with real life. It’s unrelated. Just ‘borting do it.

http://www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/classic-ferrett/the-next-generation-of-swear-words/

I too, enjoy the gift of profanity. It becomes absurd and annoying when used to excess, but really, in a reasonably intelligent group, that's seldom a problem. Fuck is one of my very favorite words. It has such universal utility. You can express so much, and leave no doubt at all as to exactly what you mean.

For a few examples:

Oh fuck!

Well, that's just fucked.

Fuck off.

Fuck you.

What the fuck!?

We're fucked, now.

Fanfuckingtastic.

Haveing a fan fucking tastic day, we escaped O'hare right before the shit storm hit. God Damn!!

It's good to be home.

George, I read that whole thing .....all the while thinking, Damn, 30 to 40 below sure does give you time to think about shit! Then I saw the link......

Not being nearly so thoughtful and articulate as the writer....I like to fall back on good curses I have heard elsewhere:

" you can just kiss my sister's black cat's ASS"  or  " You can just eat the peanuts outa my SHEEEEIT"

Anyone else got any?

Had a boss one time whose favorite curse was, after dropping something... "Fall, you fallin sumbitch" or if someone stopped in traffic he'd yell "Stop, you stoppin sumbitch!"  and so on....

Back in college, my roommate and I had a discussion about why one always uses "head" as part of a swear word, like dickhead or fuckhead.  Why not other parts of the body?  This lead us to trying out other parts.  Dickeyebrow has to be my favorite, (and one I still use), with dickelbow running a close second.

cuntfuck?

No, most cunts I know I wouldn't fuck not even with Col's dick.

While I can "keep-up" with the best of you, on the subject matter currently under discussion, perhaps it should be limited to one of two segments of the forum as a whole?   There are some out there who will take offense, and would we want to drive away potential members who might have much to contribute ?

Perhaps some basics rules are in order.  These should , of course, be approved by a majority of the members. Perhaps the new, new forum will have a polling or voting function where this sort of thing can be voted on?

Just a suggestion on my part.  If you do not agree with me, just tell me to fuck-off.

Max

Damn Max, you are too sensible. 

I like to look to middle english and early modern english for good cussing.

I have to tip my hat to William Shakespear, from whom I have obsconded with the word "clotpole".  I have no idea what it is, but it sounds like a filthy thing to call somebody.

Slaeghunder at January 2, 2014 at 8:02 PM

I like to look to middle english and early modern english for good cussing.

I have to tip my hat to William Shakespear, from whom I have obsconded with the word "clotpole".  I have no idea what it is, but it sounds like a filthy thing to call somebody.

From the Urban Dictionary;

1. clotpole

Composed of "clot" meaning fool or oaf and "pole" referring to the male genetalia.

"He's trying to get rid of me and if you weren't such a clotpole you'd see that!"

Random Word

2. clotpole

also, clatpole.

In Elizabethan slang, it means 'wooden head' or 'block head'. It comes from 'clodpoll'.

The word 'clatpole' is used in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida, Act 2, scene 1, lines 110–120.

Ajax:

I shall cut out your tongue.

Thersites:

'Tis no matter, I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.

Patroclus:

No more words, Thersites, peace!

Thersites:

I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?

Achilles:

There's for you, Patroclus.

Thersites:

I will see you hang'd like clatpoles (clotpole) ere I come any more to

your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and leave the

faction of fools. *Exit*

Patroclus:

A good riddance.

I cuss. I cuss more than Ward and Joe put together. Actually Edna and I cuss more than Ward and Joe put together. When Alec was about 12 1/2 he asked if he could cuss and I told him I didn't care. It's only words. BUT

the probelm with cussing conversationally is that you have to be VERY conscious of the people around you because out of respect, it's not appropriate all the time.

He's found that out and adjusted his vocabulary accordingly

gracie at January 2, 2014 at 8:18 PM

I cuss. I cuss more than Ward and Joe put together. Actually Edna and I cuss more than Ward and Joe put together. When Alec was about 12 1/2 he asked if he could cuss and I told him I didn't care. It's only words. BUT

the probelm with cussing conversationally is that you have to be VERY conscious of the people around you because out of respect, it's not appropriate all the time.

He's found that out and adjusted his vocabulary accordingly

Yet my bird is more insulting than the C or F word.

Max has a good point.  I'm no stranger to cuss words!  But like Alex, I've learned when and where.  Wasn't there one section of the forum that was for adults only and you could cut loose with the 4 letter variety as well as discuss sex in pretty pointed terms?  I think it was to protect any children that might read the forum.  Maybe have a section where we can swear to our hearts content and reserve the other topics for all ages?  There are, believe it or not, some adults who never use profanity.  I find them suspect but they are out there. 

Well, none of us use the c word. At all. And yes- when it's sustained and backed up by a glare, the bird is more offensive.

A bird is aimed.  Just cursing doesn't necesarily have a targetr.  Just random swearing., you may have to jump out in front of it to get some on you, if you want to be offended.  But if you said "Hey,  fuck you, fucker!" then that would be like giving someone the bird.

Why, you are talking about  the "Kindred Spirits" board.  We have that here.

The main reason Neil didn't want cussing, apart from some aspiration to maintain a semblence of class, I suppose, was that Google was pissy about it.

I am not going to pepper everything I say with swear words, but on the other hand, fuck Google, and feed em fisheads.

I am the last one anyone would think of saying this I am sure ......... I spent over 7 years in the Navy come from a Navy family was raised on military bases and can let the blue streak rip when I feel the need to  .......... but I also think this topic can be covered in a less open area if going to go full effect......... at least under a caption letting folks know to be aware in case kids are around

I pretty much limit myself to holy beejeezuz...

gracie at January 2, 2014 at 9:01 PM

Well, none of us use the c word. At all. And yes- when it's sustained and backed up by a glare, the bird is more offensive.

I reserve the c word for select people, such as Sarah Palin, Lynn Cheney, and my SIL.